Curling Turns to Bicep Curls

Every 4 years, the winter Olympics turns athletics novices into rabid niche sports fans, complete with a cobbled-together expertise garnered from Wikipedia.

Water cooler chat turns to the beauty of Danger Ballet—aka figure skating (effortless elegance!), half-pipe snowboarding (sick air!), luge (death-wish!), and for all the wrong reasons, curling (how is that a sport?!)

Dubbed “elite janitorial services” by one viewer and long-maligned for its paunchy players, curlers are sliding the kettle to the other end of the spectrum, demanding respect as serious(ly sexy) athletes with a Men of Curling calendar.

As male figure skaters adapt to practically-mandatory quadruple jumps, snowboarders push for ever-crazier tricks, curlers are reportedly embracing advancements in their sport by giving up smoking between rounds, and lifting dumbbells instead of beer cans.

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